In the discussion below, Kevin argues that a single guy should not be looking for a wife, per se, but should be looking to find the will of God. Of course I agree with that. But the question then arises, how does he know the will of God in this area? In most areas of life, there is no "default setting"--if you are not married, you are single; if you are not keeping yourself open to getting married, you are committing yourself to staying single for the indefinite future. Which one should it be?
The primary place to go to find the will of God is not our feelings or impressions of what God might be saying to us. (Some might say we should never look there. I'll leave that argument for the more learned.) We can all agree that the primary place to know the will of God is from the Bible.
Now of course there is no passage that says, "Thou shalt get married"; as Paul says, every one has their own gift from God. But that does not mean the Bible gives no further guidance on the topic. Starting in the first two chapters of Genesis, we see that God does not think it good for a man to be alone and that the first command he gives to humans is to be fruitful and multiply, an activity that requires two. Throughout the Scripture we see that the exhortations to marry are applied to broad groups of people over broad swaths of time for reasons tied into human nature (Jeremiah 29:6, I Corinthians 7:2, I Timothy 5:14). Singleness is spoken of as an exception, given to specific people for specific purposes or circumstances (Jeremiah 16:1-4, Matthew 19:10-12, I Corinthians 7:26).
So which should be considered the default? My argument is simply that, unless God gives specific direction otherwise, Scripture indicates that His will is marriage. Now of course when and how that happens requires further seeking of God's guidance. We are also permitted to use our brains and look to how God has made things to help us discern His will on timing. One of the primary purposes for marriage, having kids, can only be accomplished when one is young; another, avoiding fornication, is at least more pressing when one is young. Therefore, one can deduce that God's will--usually, unless indicated otherwise--would be for marriage to occur sooner rather than later.
I'm not saying that somebody better be out scoping out women day and night or else they are sinning; on the other hand, we shouldn't have the mentality of the guy stuck to the top of his roof in the flood who turned down all passing boats and helicopters because he was trusting the Lord. In the vast majority of cases, God works through the actions of people. Including our own.
I think a very close analogy to marriage would be the matter of work. Like marriage, we can see that God made man to work from the very beginning (Genesis 2:15) and that the general command is to work in order to obtain what we need. (Genesis 3:19, 2 Thessalonians 3:10, Ephesians 4:28) On the other hand, there are certainly times and places where God provides people's needs without their labor (I Kings 17:4) or where he even commands people to rely on the generosity of others to provide for them (Mark 6:8). But most of us realize that unless God gives us specific direction in that area, we ought to be working to take care of ourselves, while trusting God to take care of us even if we are unable to obtain work.
Look at it like this: Suppose you came across an able-bodied man and asked him where he was working these days. "I'm not," he says.
"Oh, are you going to school? Or doing some ministry?"
"No, I don't think that's where God wants me."
"Are you looking for a job, then?" you ask, at last.
"No, I'm praying about whether God wants me to look for a job, but so far He hasn't lead me to. So I'm just sitting around until He tells me what to do next."
Now it's possible that he might have some good reason you haven't asked about. But would it be out of bounds to say that something smells a little fishy there?
7 comments:
>>> But would it be out of bounds to say that something smells a little fishy there? >>>
The only thing that smells a little fishy is your analogy. ;^) On the one hand, Scripture COMMANDS us to work (although there is no command as to the particular type of work) and PROHIBITS laziness. Nowhere in Scripture is there an exemption for laziness. Even in the two "non-working" examples you give (Elijah the prophet and the 12 disciples being sent out to preach repentance), the subjects were not free to laze. Although they may not have been laboring for their own physical needs, they were laboring nonetheless . . . for the spiritual needs of others, which is why their physical needs were otherwise provided for.
On the other hand, Scripture neither COMMANDS nor PROHIBITS marriage; thus, we have liberty.
>>>Throughout the Scripture we see that the exhortations to marry are applied to broad groups of people over broad swaths of time for reasons tied into human nature (Jeremiah 29:6, I Corinthians 7:2, I Timothy 5:14). Singleness is spoken of as an exception, given to specific people for specific purposes or circumstances (Jeremiah 16:1-4, Matthew 19:10-12, I Corinthians 7:26). >>>
Your exegesis is ... hmmmm ... well, interesting at least. You claim on the one hand that exhortations to marry are applied to broad people groups over broad time swaths, yet the Jeremiah passage is found in the middle of a letter from Jeremiah to the captives in Babylon who were wondering how long they were going to be there. (see vs. 28.) The answer? A long time; thus, it's OK to raise families there, build houses, and plant gardens. It doesn't support a general biblical command to marry.
As for the Timothy passage, aside from the problem that it is addressed only to widows, it's rather convenient to point to verse 14, but neglect the context, particularly verse 11, which indicates that it's only when the younger widows grow wanton against Christ that they desire to marry. Paul's message is, in essence: I'd rather see the young widows married than to be idle busybodies. This also does not support a general command (i.e., "God's will" on everyone) to marry.
One could even argue that these passages (when taken alone) speak of marriage "as an exception, given to specific people for specific purposes or circumstances," although I don't think that is the proper interpretation either.
Finally, it is interesting that you cite I Corinthians 7:2, but also fail to account for the adjacently preceding verse 1: "It is good for a man not to touch a woman." Even taken alone, verse 2 provides for marriage "because of sexual immorality." Taken as a whole, chapter 7 teaches, if anything, that it is OK to be single if you can exercise self-control. However, if you burn with desire, then quit killing yourself and be married. You can't take one verse out of context and make it the rule without considering the others nearby. According to this I Corinthians passage, the only time we can say that someone ought to get married is if they are unable to exercise sexual self-control. (Because man is subject to the law of sin, i.e., lack of self-control, it is safe to say that MOST people are called to marriage. But that doesn't make it the "default" calling.)
I think chapter 7 is best summarized by verse 25: "Now concerning virgins: I have NO commandment from the Lord."
>>>The primary place to go to find the will of God is not our feelings or impressions of what God might be saying to us.>>>
I agree that our primary source of finding God's will is the Bible rather than feelings. It's just that the Bible neither requires nor prohibits marriage. And where the Bible neither requires nor prohibits a thing, we are free to determine God's will for our individual lives.
If I understand your position correctly, you believe the Bible teaches that, when considering what God's will for our lives is concerning marriage, we are to first assume that God's will is for us to marry. We are to be single only if we get a "specific calling" to be single. How do you believe that God reveals this "specific calling" to remain single, then?
Aside from a lack of biblical support, your position doesn't make logical sense. God didn't create us as married individuals by "default." Rather, we start out as single. Thus, it seems to me that the "default" is, at least as logic would dictate, to be single rather than married.
The analogy I am making is not marriage: work as singleness: laziness, but marriage: work as singleness: not being employed for pay. This could occur for three reasons: not being able to find work (analogous to not finding a suitable spouse); doing some alternative, productive activity that doesn't actually pay (analogous to choosing singleness to pursue a specific calling of God); or because one doesn't want to bother with it (analogous to avoiding marriage, well, because one doesn't want to bother with it).
If you read I Corinthians 7 as a whole, Paul is saying several things:
a) Singleness is a fine, acceptable thing to do with your life if you use it for the service of God;
b) Most people need to marry, however, and that is also a path by which you can glorify God;
c) Right now times are really tough so it's probably not the best time to be settling down and starting a family; not wrong, just imprudent.
I Timothy 5:14 doesn't contain the word "widows" or "women" in the Greek: just "younger." Your interpretation would make no sense: "Young widows will marry because they are disobedient to Christ, so it's my commandment that they marry." Looking at the passage as a whole, it looks more like it's saying: Don't provide financial support a young person who's not engaged in productive activity, or they will use their free time wrongly--to marry outside the faith, gossip, etc. Rather, the productive activity generally ordained by God for young women is marrying (a fellow believer) and bearing children. And, fellows, they can't do this on their own!
Yes, there is “no commandment”: but Paul then spends quite a long chapter explaining how God gives us guidance in making a wise decision in this area. “No commandment” does not mean “there is no guidance from the Bible one way or the other.” There’s still the little matter of “Be fruitful and multiply” all the way back in Genesis, which is never revoked. Everything else I cited is either examples of that or examples of when exceptions to the general rule apply.
God doesn’t create married or single people; he creates babies. In most times and cultures, marriages would be more or less arranged and the vast majority of people wouldn’t really have a choice about whether they got married or not. In our culture, whether we marry is much more dependent on the choices we make, so we need to look at both God’s Word and his world to help us determine what those choices should be.
How does someone know they are called to singleness? Well, Jesus says that singleness is a gift to three classes of people (Matthew 19:10-12): Those who are born to be single (no interest in the opposite sex); those who are compelled to be single by circumstances (never find a suitable spouse); and those who make themselves single in order to accomplish something for God’s kingdom. The first and third categories one can figure out pretty early in adult life; the middle one can only fairly be determined over time by giving it a try.
What I’m trying to say is, if someone knows they’re not in the first or third category (and it should be fairly obvious), then they are either meant to marry or they’re in the second category: either way, they should look towards getting married, while knowing that God will give them the grace to remain single until He leads them to a spouse. If He never allows them to find a spouse, then they know (in retrospect) they’re in the second category.
>>>I Timothy 5:14 doesn't contain the word "widows" or "women" in the Greek: just "younger.">>>
Again, you choose to ignore the context. Although verse 14 doesn’t contain the words “women” or “widows” in the Greek, the entire discussion of 5:3-16 is about widows. Even the discussion concerning the “younger” in 5:11-15 is directed to younger widows.
>>> Yes, there is “no commandment”: but Paul then spends quite a long chapter explaining how God gives us guidance in making a wise decision in this area. . “No commandment” does not mean “there is no guidance from the Bible one way or the other.”>>>
First, no commandment is no commandment. It would be one thing if Scripture was merely silent on the issue and we were left to wonder whether there was a specific commandment or not. But it isn’t silent. It says, “There is NO commandment from the Lord.” I don’t see how you can get around that. We thus cannot say that someone is sinning by failing to do that which Scripture explicitly says is not a commandment from the Lord. It’s adding to Scripture, which IS explicitly condemned in and of itself.
Second, you say that Paul spends a long time explaining how God gives guidance in this area. What’s almost laughable about your argument is that Paul spends the rest of the chapter counseling AGAINST marriage. (And yes, I recognize his primary concern for the “present distress.”)
>>> those who make themselves single in order to accomplish something for God’s kingdom. The … third categor[y] one can figure out pretty early in adult life; … if someone knows they’re not in the ... third category (and it should be fairly obvious)>>>
This is the VERY category to which I am referring. You argue (rather conclusory, I might add) that it’s “fairly obvious” whether you’ve been called to singleness to accomplish something for God’s kingdom. I don’t think it’s so simple (unless, of course, you have already castrated yourself, which I don’t see happening very often). How do you believe that God reveals a "specific calling" to remain single in your third category? This is the same question I asked earlier (or at least thought I was asking) to which you have yet to respond.
>>>those who are compelled to be single by circumstances (never find a suitable spouse)>>>
This is your interpretation of Christ’s “second category” of singleness. The text states: “… and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men.” I find it astounding that you can take this text and give it an interpretation that Christ was referring to those who cannot find a suitable spouse. Amazing.
It seems to me that the argument cannot be supported by Scripture without either twisting the Scriptures themselves or taking them out of context. This is the kind of adding to Scripture that I believe is proscribed elsewhere in Scripture. Through our little debate so far you've only further convinced me that it is unbiblical to say that Christians guys with an education and a job ought to be seeking a wife per se.
Oops. I meant to point out that I Timothy 5:3-16 uses the Greek word for "widow" throughout. It just so happen that the word is not used expressly in v. 14. However, the context provides the basis for the inference, as many translations recognize.
I think I should clarify that I never said people who weren't looking for a spouse were sinning. I said "ought," yes, but then I might say, "People ought to vote," without saying, "People who don't vote are sinful." I'm offering advice here, not handing down commandments.
Yes, you can imply "widows" in the I Timothy passage, but if you take it as only applying to widows it makes no sense--are only widows supposed to marry? Then how are there any widows? The advice is consistent with what is said in other places about the role of younger women. (e.g. Titus 2:4-5)
If you would rather, frame the second exception as "people who are kept single by the actions of other people." It doesn't help your point that way, either.
How does one know the third exception applies? By being led in a direction that is inconsistent with getting married; one that requires too much time, energy, or danger to allow one to adequately fulfill the demands of married life. If one is genuinely uncertain as to whether they are called to do something of that sort; or if one is called to something of that sort for a temporary time but might not have to do it later, then of course postponing marriage is a good idea until you are sure.
What I'm concerned about is the perception that it's OK to just be happy and contented as a single, living a regular ol' life. Yes, it's just as bad to be happy and contented living a regular, ol' married life; but the thing is, marriage comes with a built-in ministry and things that drive us to consider eternity and plan for the future.
>>> How does one know the third exception applies? By being led in a direction that is inconsistent with getting married; one that requires too much time, energy, or danger to allow one to adequately fulfill the demands of married life. If one is genuinely uncertain as to whether they are called to do something of that sort; or if one is called to something of that sort for a temporary time but might not have to do it later, then of course postponing marriage is a good idea until you are sure.>>>
I agree with this paragraph (finally! ;^) ) and its list of factors, although I don’t think it is necessarily exhaustive. I do want to point out, however, that most of the factors and situations require individualized and personalized discretion. It becomes a rather complex equation, hardly “obvious.” And there’s one contingency in particular that is germane to this discussion: one may be called to “something of that sort” for a temporary time in the future but which God has not yet revealed. Thus, without a wrong motive such as selfishness or laziness, I don't think we can say definitively, "If you're educated and have a job but not seeking a wife, you are not in God's will."
>>> I think I should clarify that I never said people who weren't looking for a spouse were sinning. ... I'm offering advice here, not handing down commandments.>>>
Well, let’s review what you have said about it: (1) not looking for a spouse is “wrong and selfish,” (2) it's our “duty as Christians” to do so, (3) the Bible gives “further guidance” on the topic, (4) it’s not “OK to just be happy and contented as a single, living a regular ol’ life,” and (5) you have compared singleness to laziness, despite your claims to the contrary (“I'm just sitting around until He tells me what to do next” is NOT the same as “not being employed for pay.”).
You may never come out and call it sin, but you strongly imply in these statements and elsewhere that Scripture (and thus God) somehow frowns upon those who do not actively seek for a wife/spouse. Conversely, you also strongly imply that Scripture (and thus God) imposes a duty (e.g., “duty as Christians” and “further guidance” in the Bible) to seek a wife. If God frowns upon a thing that one does or imposes a duty that one fails to perform, it is sin.
If your post was meant merely as personal advice rather than what the Bible teaches (i.e., "commands") about how we should live, then I think your original post was unclear. I certainly interpreted it that way, as others apparently did also (see e.g., Jeremy’s earlier comment about getting a bachelor thinking re: your “wrong and selfish” accusations).
I'm glad we're coming closer to agreement here; despite what you say about my earlier posts, I think I left plenty of qualifications in there. (i.e. I didn't say it was *always* wrong and sinful, I said it was wrong and sinful if done for reasons X, Y and Z.) Similarly, my comparison was meant to be between "lazing around not looking for a job" and "lazing around not doing *anything* for the kingdom of God."
My ultimate point is this: Everybody is here on earth, not to please themselves, but to bring glory and honor to God. For the vast majority of people, one of the main ways they are meant to do this is through the family. It's how God made people to operate. If you are serving God in some way that is inconsistent with having a family--great, go for it. But if you haven't found any particular calling, or if your calling is *not* inconsistent with a family--why not go for having a family, too? Even if all you do is raise a couple of kids to know God, you will have done great things for the kingdom of God. (Plus you'll have the assistance of a helper in the work God has called you to.)
I admit I said it in a provocative way. If I provoked some bachelors to think, well, good. That was my objective. I never said their motives were necessarily wrong--I was just suggesting they give marriage more serious consideration, and make sure if they were dodging it that they were dodging it for the right reason. (I'm still on speaking terms with Jeremy, btw.)
Not only does our modern culture encourage singleness and freedom, but often Christian culture encourages postponing marriage for service--when that's probably not the best idea for most people. Also some people act as if it were somehow inconsistent with trusting God to look for a wife--as if looking for a job were inconsistent with trusting God to provide for your needs.
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