Thursday, September 03, 2009

Duchy, LLC

The move has been the largest and most evident change, but it is really only one ripple in the waves of changes sloshing around the pools of our lives.

Ahem. Back to less soppy writing.

Reevaluating where we are has also caused us to reevaluate what we do--and thus, led us full circle. We want to return to law. DOB is applying to take the Washington Bar in February and hoping to begin transitioning into the legal field as soon as possible. I'm crossing my fingers that I won't have to retake the bar, but we shall see. (Washington has rather strict rules on returning from inactive status, and I've been out for quite awhile). Someday, we'd like to work together. Why it's taken us so long to figure out that we really should do what we initially set out and wanted to do is a bit of a mystery to us, too, but sometimes these things happen.

Don't worry, I'm not pitching my children into daycare so I can work twelve-hour days. I don't know how or when the details will work out, but I want to find a balance that will work for everyone. I still hope to continue homeschooling. I don't see my path clearly yet, but I know what path I need to look for.

One thing the past few years have made abundantly clear is that my brain is not wired to inhabit the real world for hours and days on end. I need abstraction or I come unglued. I've tried to fill that gap with novels and computer games, but these are an ultimately unsatisfying means of balance, like trying to subsist on a diet of cod liver oil and candy. I've tried some solitary intellectual pursuits, but I'm not a solitary person and they soon drop to the wayside.

What I want is real work to do, work that matters to someone else, work that involves interacting with other people about ideas. It's not that caring for children isn't work and valuable work--it's just that it doesn't have the level of abstraction that I desperately need to continue functioning.

The physical presence of a mother is not much help if she's so strung-out on sensory overload that she can no longer comprehend or respond appropriately to what's going on. I'm often in that state by the time breakfast is over, and almost always long before suppertime. If I can have some regular opportunities to do the type of thing I am good at, then I think I'll have more energy and focus for the children and we'll all be better off.

It's a little scary, though, first--to admit this; second--to try to pick up threads dropped years ago; third--to put myself out for work and believe I really have something to offer anymore. On the other hand, it's exciting, too. It's like getting to be twenty all over again, only without feeling like one is faking adulthood. (And with that extra little challenge of having a lot of extra hungry mouths to somehow feed.)


Aaron K said...

Congrats! I know my sweetie does the same thing with her business and other pursuits, and we only have one little hyperactive kiddo. :)

the Joneses said...

I remember after Stuart was born, I told Darren in tears that I no longer daydreamed about doing brave exciting things because who could save the world with two children strapped in the backseat? That's when Darren started pushing harder for me to write more.

I hope you do find the outlet you want for the gifts you have. And I think you're right: your children will benefit from having a more balanced mother. I love retreating into blogging or writing; it's refreshing and I'm nicer.

-- SJ

Meredith said...

I applaud your big change! I have been busy re-tooling my own life this summer and have not taken the time to cheer you on.

I have always admired Anna of Pleasant View Schoolhouse for her simple-but-brilliant homeschooling, her law practice, and her amazing homemaking skills.

I know you can't tell everything from a blog, but it's lovely to see someone who can balance all 3 with such grace.

Rachelle said...

I left the workforce and started motherhood a little later. I was completely aware of the downside of the workplace and happy to leave it forever and commit myself 100% to motherhood.
Since, even though I'm still most happy to be with my children, I've learned I have to have some outlet that lets me feel like something other than a mother. I'm thankful for some part-time work and for the internet which allows those opportunities. And ultimately, I'm convinced my kids will like me more as they get older for having interesting things outside of them that make me a more complete person.
However your dreams work out, your whole family will be better for it. (And I hope you don't have to retake the WA bar. Though I hear the Starbucks is nice, it is a lot to pay and much time spent to get it.)

Devona said...

I feel exactly the same way you do. And I've been discovering it, a little late, right around the same time you have.

I actually registered an LLC this year with a friend of mine, and we're hoping to keep it going even though I'm 2 weeks from my due date with #3 and she's in her first trimester with #2. I love being a Mom, I even love being a Stay-at-Home mom. I hate being only a mom and I really needed something to do.

Good luck to you guys. I know that you will work out the details to get where you're all doing what you love.

Carrie said...

Yup. I feel the same way. Thankfully I'm really happy reading and blogging my thoughts out. But then I'm also pursuing a history degree and we have the photography business for a chance to get out of the house (although I'm not liking that as much). All that to say - I think outlets are important. And it's even MORE fun when you know you are being paid!

Anonymous said...

That first paragraph sounded a bit like Sarah Palin...