The move has been the largest and most evident change, but it is really only one ripple in the waves of changes sloshing around the pools of our lives.
Ahem. Back to less soppy writing.
Reevaluating where we are has also caused us to reevaluate what we do--and thus, led us full circle. We want to return to law. DOB is applying to take the Washington Bar in February and hoping to begin transitioning into the legal field as soon as possible. I'm crossing my fingers that I won't have to retake the bar, but we shall see. (Washington has rather strict rules on returning from inactive status, and I've been out for quite awhile). Someday, we'd like to work together. Why it's taken us so long to figure out that we really should do what we initially set out and wanted to do is a bit of a mystery to us, too, but sometimes these things happen.
Don't worry, I'm not pitching my children into daycare so I can work twelve-hour days. I don't know how or when the details will work out, but I want to find a balance that will work for everyone. I still hope to continue homeschooling. I don't see my path clearly yet, but I know what path I need to look for.
One thing the past few years have made abundantly clear is that my brain is not wired to inhabit the real world for hours and days on end. I need abstraction or I come unglued. I've tried to fill that gap with novels and computer games, but these are an ultimately unsatisfying means of balance, like trying to subsist on a diet of cod liver oil and candy. I've tried some solitary intellectual pursuits, but I'm not a solitary person and they soon drop to the wayside.
What I want is real work to do, work that matters to someone else, work that involves interacting with other people about ideas. It's not that caring for children isn't work and valuable work--it's just that it doesn't have the level of abstraction that I desperately need to continue functioning.
The physical presence of a mother is not much help if she's so strung-out on sensory overload that she can no longer comprehend or respond appropriately to what's going on. I'm often in that state by the time breakfast is over, and almost always long before suppertime. If I can have some regular opportunities to do the type of thing I am good at, then I think I'll have more energy and focus for the children and we'll all be better off.
It's a little scary, though, first--to admit this; second--to try to pick up threads dropped years ago; third--to put myself out for work and believe I really have something to offer anymore. On the other hand, it's exciting, too. It's like getting to be twenty all over again, only without feeling like one is faking adulthood. (And with that extra little challenge of having a lot of extra hungry mouths to somehow feed.)